Chapter 15:  Embrace the Many Faces of Ourselves

Background

We've all been through those times when we run into problems that seem to grow in dimension and perplexity. Never do we stop to think the anxieties arise from within. Charlie McRoy faces a turbulent storm of his many-sided selves without resolve.

"Tell me one more time before I make up my mind to step inside. Are you certain this is where the others are at?"

"I have already told you one time and I don't' see why I need to say it, again. But, IF it makes you feel any better; yes, everyone else is gathered behind the hall of mirrors. You really are rather silly with your foolish questions.

It implies so much self-doubt."

Charlie didn't think his questions were foolish at all. As a matter of fact, no one else in his right mind would think his questions were foolish. She didn't have to know it, but, of course, he was bursting at the seams with self-doubt, who wouldn't be?

"You try hanging with me down the roads I've traveled in the last two days and your ideas about life might just change too, you little pipsqueak." He sarcastically sparked under his breath.

Charlie was more convinced than ever; he did not have the option of operating from his right mind, now did he? IF he did, why on earth would he be carrying on a conversation with a 12 inch jester clown doll, who added new depth to the word delusional, in the first place? (And, he was supposed to trust her?)

"IF I am to understand you correctly, Selena Le-Anne, all of the others that reside here in the carnival live inside these mirrors?" He had to make sure; the next phase of his life depended on it.

"Why do you insist on asking me the same questions over and over? Do you have a problem with comprehension?" She giggled one of those giggles only a girl could apply and get away with.

"Of course, in HERE, with ME, is where the OTHERS live." She spoke dementedly slow, accenting various words.

"Why is that so difficult for you to understand?"

"It's not a matter of understanding; it's a matter of believing. I don't want to do another thing that places me in jeopardy. I've wasted way too much time, already."

"I have no idea what you are referring to but you should really look into your growing paranoia."

How dare she refer to him as the one with paranoia, she couldn't even accept a compliment without having to investigate the motive behind it.

Charlie simply wanted to make absolutely certain that if he entered a room full of mirrors, that, there would be others to help guide him out again, should he desire to get out. On the other hand IF the hall of mirrors led him to the direction he wanted to go, (even though he really didn't know which exact direction that would be; other than he wanted to go home, wherever it existed), then he'd be willing to stay on that path.

"Because in actuality, when I think about it," he mentally processed, "what would be the difference in being trapped inside a mirrored room, as opposed to traveling on some remote countryside whose only inhabitants had been 'Maybe So' and some Professional Bicycle Racers?" His mind throbbed.

The more he tried to reason with his unexplainable circumstances, the more perplexed and disappointed he became. Now, he was facing the fictitious reality where an obvious carnival had been set up with no participants, except for the obnoxious Selena Le-Anne?

"Do you do this all the time, Charlie McRoy?" The little clown injected rather obtrusively.

"Do what?"

"Act like you are paralyzed except for the flailing of your hands and mouth moving inaudibly?"

Charlie did not respond. Any explanation would sound like he was either schizophrenic or totally disinterested. And, knowing the little clown's inconsistent mood swings, she would prefer schizophrenia.

Without any further ado, Charlie took a deep breath and stepped into the mirrored room.

"Selena," He announced purposefully, as he moved through the opening, "I have placed my life in your hands."

"Why on earth would you do something so stupid?" She quipped energetically but reassured him by indicating she was kidding.

Charlie was not the least bit amused.

"Why is it when we're at our lowest point people want to kick us in the head?" He grumbled.

"There you go, again." Selena irked.

Charlie ignored her remark.

"I am going to take you at your word; you will, in fact, show me the way out when I decide to leave, right?"

"Sure, Charlie Braxton McRoy, whatever you say. I'll agree to anything you suggest but you have no idea whether I'm telling the truth, now do you?"

She was right. He had made the leap and he had no way of knowing whether she had told him the truth or not.

"I told you at least four times, maybe more; it's all up to you. I have nothing to do with your getting out. You do. It's all a matter of volunteering." Selena affectionately responded.

'Volunteering' was not the word of choice Charlie would have used by any stretch of the imagination.

Charlie stepped forward slowly, had he made the right decision or was there simply no other decision to be made?

"No time for floundering," he had often heard his mother say. No way to turn back. He had learned that particular lesson, well.

"No reverse gears," he spoke aloud.

"I guess not," Selena agreed.

The dimly lit concave opening to the long hallway of mirrored room was precisely Charlie's size. How convenient. Gauging his breath, "in through the nose, out through the mouth", he reminded himself, hoping to cut down on some of the fear, he was experiencing.

"I did it," he walloped with pride. "I'm inside; I'm actually walking these mirrored halls. I don't know what that means but I know I'm inside." Startled, he gasped, when he saw not one, but thousands upon thousands of Selena LeAnnes. (Yet, only one Charlie,)

"Oh NO! I cannot get upset. I cannot let my mind run away with me. Be calm, slow down. Hold on." He steadied himself with additional reassuring phrases before he spoke.

"Why is it, Selena that although I'm standing on the inside, I can only see one of me and thousands of you? Yet, on the outside, I can only see one of you?"

"It's really quite simple Charlie McRoy. As I tried to explain to you, you are seeing yourself as others see you from the outside, but in here, you see yourself as you are."

"What does that mean?" He felt so unquestionably stupid. He KNEW he had only seen one of her and hundreds of himself from the outside. But, inside he saw one of himself and thousands of her. It seemed to him that the matter was anything but clear.

She continued the boring monologue; a complicated, 'way over his head' convoluted perplexing explanation.

"Inside of you, you see me fragmented. Outside of you, you see yourself cemented. You cannot possibly see yourself as others see you through their eyes. Now, do you understand?"

"No!" He did not but, he certainly wasn't going to spend any more valuable time trying to. It really made no difference whatsoever, a simple matter of semantics, as far as he was concerned.

"What in the hell does 'semantics' mean," he wondered.

Charlie couldn't possibly keep up with the changes that were occurring on the inside of him or the outside of him or wherever in the world they were taking place.

"Will it ever be over?" He pleaded aloud.

"Did you say something?" She politely asked.

"No, never mind. Just take me to the rest of your gang."

He resolved quietly to himself, "IF getting back to my life involves making friends with this two-toned hopelessly confused personality of a clown, I'll do it."

Selene-LeAnne stared at him incredulously as he continued to mumble aloud.

"At this point, I'm willing to do just about anything to get this whole ordeal finished. She's my only hope." Charlie realized what he had been doing, popping in and out of conversation.

"Please forgive me; I've had a hard two days."

"What are you crying to me for? Don't tell me your problems; I have enough of my own." The little bombastic clown had switched on him, again.

With that unexpected reaction from her, he wanted to scream, kick the walls in, cry out for mercy but what good would that do? None! The undeniable fact was one he had become very accustomed to. Selena Le-Anne spun one of the orange swivel oval-shaped mirrors attached to the checker-boarded floor into another level of the building. She apparently waited for Charlie to indicate he was ready to proceed.

"All right, Selena, I'm ready to go wherever you take me. I have very little 'say so' in the matter."

"You are so ungrateful. But, I must say that demonstration is an improvement in your rather impervious skeptical attitude. I prefer it much better to the constant suspicion you carry around. At least, it's real."

"What a nasty clown!" Exasperated Charlie drew in his breath, held his tongue.

"The nerve of her to speak to me like that; I am so grateful. You ungracious rude little bitch!" He snarled to himself.

She didn't know him from Adam. Where in the world did she get off making such outlandish assumptions about his character? He'd pretend to be nice a little longer.

"So, where are we going, Selena?"

"Are you serious, dope head?"

"Of course," Charlie was dead serious. He had every right to know where she was taking him.

"I am not taking you anywhere. I never had any intention in taking you anywhere. In fact, Charlie Braxton McRoy, I am rather bored with you. I must be off. Marlow is waiting for me."

Charlie was speechless. He dared not ask who Marlow was.

"But, you promised," Charlie reasoned, "You agreed to show me my way around."

"I did no such thing. I agreed only to show you the way out IF you needed me to, which you don't and won't."

"But, how do you KNOW I don't and won't. Who gave you the right to decide for me?"

"I didn't decide for you. You decided for yourself when you entered inside these halls. Why do you insist on blaming someone else for your own overt actions? Anyway, haven't you learned promises are made to be broken?"

Charlie did not know what the word overt meant, but he was sure that it was not flattering.

"Actually, Charlie, I thought you would be more entertaining than what you have turned out to be. You are a dreadful bore. Not one enlightening thing have you brought to me. I must depart. I have lingered much too long." Her stance was nothing short of theatrical before she switched to another viper role.

"I beg your pardon while I make my way back to the arms of my beloved. I hope you understand. The time I have spent with you has been, let us say, just short of exhaustive."

She was undoubtedly the weirdest talking clown, he had ever encountered. Of course, she was the only talking clown he had ever encountered and one he hoped he would never encounter again.

Selena fleeted audaciously with embellished gestures of momentous strides, as she danced along the long narrow mirrored descending hallway.

Charlie didn't run after her; it was quite evident he was not welcomed. IF he had to journey alone, without Selena's guidance, it was really quite all right. He didn't begin to understand her babbling, inconsistent philosophical remarks, and for the life of him, he could not figure out where the unusual boy-girl voice came from and what purpose it was suppose to serve.

"Possibly, she could have been both: a boy trapped in a girl's body." Now, that surely would be something of a situation to have to deal with. He didn't want to think about it too long. Charlie realized that anything was possible on the path he was traveling and whatever took place was certainly A-okay with him.

It was now time to move along. He checked out the various hallways; some led up, some led down and some seemed to wind around in a circle. Each distorted mirror revealed his reflection. Glad for small favors, he chose the stairway that led down. But not far before he faced many alternate routes.

"Eeny, meeny, miney, moe which one's good for me to go?" The kindergarten limerick fit the moment. He decided to veer to the south-west although Charlie didn't think it made any real difference. The checkered floor changed to a plush amber velor carpet. Extremely soothing texture covered the rims of his green glow-in-the-dark low top tennis shoes. Charlie did not walk far before he bumped into another 12 inch clown.

Obviously lost in thought, her appearance was remarkably different from Selena. A black and white silk striped costume complimented by a solid black three tier belled jester hat, pointed two sectioned white shoes accented her outfit. No doubt in a rush to get somewhere, extremely important, she paused long enough to apologize for crashing into Charlie.

"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't see you, my fault. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Pixie cute, Charlie immediately liked her.

"That's Okay, I don't mind. Where are you heading in such a big hurry?"

"I'm late for my graduation," she declared ever-so-proudly.

"You're graduating today?" Charlie replied, "From what?"

"From high school, of course. Everyone thought I would never do it but I am sure proving them wrong, tonight."

Charlie wondered why a clown would have to graduate from high school.

"Would that be a regular high school," he thought, "or a clown high school?"

She quickly resounded as if she had read his mind.

"There is no such thing as clown high school. Even if there were, I wouldn't want to graduate from it. I must graduate from a genuine accredited high school, with honors. Getting a good education is so important, you know."

Charlie didn't remember passing any schools on the way into the mirrored hall, but that didn't mean one thing. He knew so many things could be going on at the same time and he never see them, yet! Like the fact that it was very bright outside when he entered the mirrored hall. But, this cute little clown acted like it was night-time.

"I would love to stay and talk, but as I said, I'm late. I sure can't miss the single most important event of my life."

Charlie let her pass by. "Maybe I'll see you around sometime."

"That's possible," she yelled back over her shoulder.

Charlie, beginning to take mental notes: MAYBE SO, a three foot cowboy, SELENE LE-ANNE, a twelve inch neurotic boy-girl clown, and now another twelve inch black and white striped graduating jester girl clown. He realized suddenly, he hadn't gotten her name. Were all these people suppose to mean something to Charlie?

Some sort of life puzzle he needed to piece together? Probably not, but it was much more inventive and entertaining thinking so, instead of just plain wandering 'around and around' without a focal point, invented or not. Closed numbered rooms lined the mirrored halls. Another unidentified clown sat posed on a stool; the hinted evidence of activity. (Whatsoever that meant). He did not speak nor, did she.

Charlie passed by her in revered silence. He walked for what seemed like hours, but in actuality, could have only been a few minutes. An enormously volatile intense argument emitted loud uncontrolled tempers through the slightly ajar purple door. Charlie cautiously peered inside.